so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
