Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
