I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
