Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's never too late to be topless.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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