I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It was confusing and full of hummus
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
