when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
