In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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