You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
