He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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