My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
