I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
