i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
