he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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