Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
