Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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