So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Found your dick twin last night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
