you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
