Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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