this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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