Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
