Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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