i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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