The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
