Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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