Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
