so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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