Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
