hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
