upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
