Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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