i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
