My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
