I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
