Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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