Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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