i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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