you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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