I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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