how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
