They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
