my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we're making bets on your personal life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
