Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You took a bar mat shot.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
