Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
