Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sorry my hands just texted you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
