and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
