One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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