my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
