like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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