i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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