I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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