Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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